The Cookie Primary

Snow Pond, NH -

This morning, when I sat down at the table overlooking the pond, I got a little cra-zayyy with the maple syrup in my oatmeal dish, bringing it to a level of sweetness usually reserved for things like cake and ice cream and, well, cookies. So it was quite the coincidence when, moments later, it came to my attention that Dublin, NH's Yankee Magazine is holding a cookie primary, where all the candidates were invited to share their favorite cookie recipes for Yankee readers' approval in an online poll leading up to a taste test from a panel of experts on December 14. Candidates have until then to submit, but here is a sampling of what is on the docket so far.

DEMOCRATS

Joe Biden - Senator Joe Biden's Favorite Oatmeal Cookies
Certainly the most self referential of all the offerings. But of course.

Hillary Clinton - Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies
Props to Clinton for being the only one to offer some sort of chocolate chip cookie. Hedging bets with the quasi-health conscious community with the oatmeal, but I guess ol' Bill needs that stuff for his heart. Hillary also goes so far as to tell us how long to cool the cookies on the cookie sheets (2 min.) before removing them to wire racks. Thanks for that!

Chris Dodd - Dodd Family Christmas Cookies
Name is pretty anonymous, but they have a little bit of chocolate, a little bit of clove, a little bit of cinnamon, some lemon rind."This recipe makes a lot of cookies. They will keep a long time in a tight container." Sounds an awful lot like the "experience" cookie to me.

Mike Gravel - Great-Grandma Gravel's Biscuits a la Creme Sure
For all of us non-French speakers, that means Sour Cream Cookies straight out of the French Canuck New England roots. Worth noting that "According to the recipe they don't last long in the cookie jar." At first I was going to make fun of Gravel for not knowing that from experience, but then I remembered, Duh! What kind of idiot lets a batch of cookies last beyond the afternoon! Way to chow down, Mike!

Barack Obama - Michelle Obama's Apple Cobbler
Uhh, Barack, that is not a cookie. But major props to Michelle, who says "I've been making this cobbler for a long time, so I usually just eyeball how much needs to go in." As the girls I have consistently cooked for over the last four years can attest, this Dude doesn't abide by recipes. Going back to the cobbler thing, what else did you expect from Obama. We don't need somebody who can play the cookie game better, we need a new cookie game.

Bill Richardson - Bill and Barbara Richardson's Biscochitos
From the man whose fundraising goals are done in chili peppers comes the official state cookie of New Mexico. That's some good state pride. Tight, part 1: recipe calls for table wine. Tight, part 2: last clause of the mixture recipe says "add more wine, if necessary." Also, requires lard and includes anise seed. That is what we call trying to incorporate red states and blue states.


REPUBLICANS

Mike Huckabee - Mrs. Huckabee's Snickerdoodles
Fitting that Mike Chucklebee would serve up some snickerdoodles. Simple directions say to "mix dough and chill." First of three candidates (all Republicans) to refer to their wife, in the recipe title, as "Mrs." Also, if we are to believe Huckabee's diet, he doesn't eat these things. This is also probably why Dennis Kucinich, a vegan, chose not to submit a cookie recipe.

John McCain - Mrs. Cindy McCain's 3-Minute No-Bake Cookies
3-Minute No-Bake? Although you do win the hyphen award, I gotta say it - way to be lazy, Cindy! I'll return the favor on my review. Worth noting, Second of Three candidates (all Republicans) to refer to their wife, in the recipe title, as "Mrs."

Ron Paul - Carol Paul's Apricot-Coconut Balls
No comment on obvious fruitcake/nut joke. Good, simple and principled recipe just like the campaign. Apricots, coconut, condensed milk and pecans. Avoids flour in protest of high government wheat subsidies, avoids baking in protest of nuclear power subsidies. Worth noting that Paul's internet army of bots have dominated the online voting so far, with 95% of the early returns according to a source at Yankee.

Mitt Romney - Mrs. Romney's Welsh Skillet Cakes
Could there be a more boutique-y sounding cookie? My answer is no. From what I understand Wales is pretty rustic and rural, and it certainly doesn't have any Bourgeois cities like Paris, but I just can't get over the fact that anything Welsh just sounds really effete and arrogant. But I will say that this recipe is pretty complicated, and even includes exclamations about how to roll the dough. So about that Republicans-who-watch-Martha-Stewart-vote? Romney just nailed it! Worth noting, Romney is the third of three candidates (all Republicans) to refer, in the recipe title, to their wife as "Mrs."

Tom Tancredo - Jackie Tancredo's Frosted Chocolate Drops
To paraphrase the immortal words of South Park's Chef, "suck on my Frosted Chocolate Drops. (Put 'em in your mouth!)" It is how they do out in Colorado. But back to the cookies, we've got some butter, some chocolate, some nuts, plus the frosting, which Mrs. Tancredo doubles? I like it a lot. Coincidentally, the runner-up recipe in the Tancredo recipe choosing contest: mexican wedding cakes.

Fred Thompson - Jeri Thompson's Grandmother's Sugar Cookies
The nice thing about this recipe, although arguably the blandest offering, is that the directions are numbered in five easy steps. No need to actually read a paragraph. That's too much work when you're cookin'. But points are lost as the directions call for frosting, but there is no recipe for it. What, you want us to use store-bought? For shame. As an aside, I wonder if Fred Thompson went to high school with Jeri Thompson's grandmother.