Wednesday, March 7, 2007


Spurred on by an op-ed article in today's Times, I came home and On-Demanded the film Idiocracy. The article mentioned Idiocracy in reference to Ann Coulter's lastest piece of worthwhile rhetorical brilliance because of it's...brilliance, as well as the context of the word. Then again, she doesn't "think there's anything offensive about any variation of faggy, faggotry, faggot, fag." So It really wasn't an issue. "Well, the thing is -- one is, yes, it can be used that way, I gather that's the way Isaiah Washington used it, That, I think, is an incorrect of the word -- use of the word." Heaven forbid anyone mistake her intentions! She seems so clear about them! Really, she should have nutted up, gone all British on us and called him a "poof." Alas, to paraphrase the old Bill Clinton line that Ms. Coulter loves so much, it depends on what the meaning of the word "faggot" is.

I digress. In Idiocracy, writer/director Mike Judge tells the story of America in 2505 where a half-millennium of lust, catch-phrases, corporatization and mass-reproduction by the illiterati has led to a world of absolute buffoons on the brink of destruction. Luke Wilson is cryogenically frozen and accidentally awoken in 2505 only to be disgusted and astounded by what he sees. Coincidentally, his ability to use such words as "disgusted" and "astounded" has him ridiculed by the locals for talking "all faggy." The point being, Judge's picture is a spot-on representation of a dystopian America. It is the kind of place driven by sex, money, explosions, bar code tattoos and corporate sponsorship. The kind of place with "adult" Starbucks, "adult" tax returns, masturbation networks and Costco Law School; where the President is a former WWE star and justice is served with Monster Trucks and brought to you by Carl's Jr. But don't feel left out, boys, it ain't all its cracked up to be.

In such a world, you might find a POTUS who says stuff like "I'm the decider" and "Well, you know, I think a lot of people are in this fight. I mean, they sacrifice peace of mind when they see the terrible images of violence on T...TV every night." A world where suburban housewives take lessons in pole dancing, and where the things people drink are called Xtremo and ESPN the Flavor. Here, kids get called a "fag" for knowin' shit about dividing fractions, and kids who are perceived to be fags get beaten into concussive states, or worse. It is too bad Ms. Coulter wasn't around to explain that the defendant didn't mean anything by it. He was only beating the shit out of a guy for being a faggy swimmer, not for liking guys sexually or anything like that. No biggie! Sean Hannity would understand. Not to be Slander-ous, of course, because I'm sure neither would condone the act.

Hey, wait, all that last paragraph is happening now! Holy Shit! To be sure, I play a vital role in society's downfall. Lord knows I have seen the Juggernaut video three or four dozen times, and anyone who was subjected to more than 20 minutes at the Da Brat Stable House last summer knows what sort of incessant Marc M. catch phrase buffoonery, with all of it's vulgarity and generally unconscionable vocabulary, went on ad nauseum between my housemates and me. Irony knows some bounds, after all. But of course, I don't mean to call today's cultural state ruinous or anything. On the contrary, come on out to Quabbin Qountry any time if you want to see just how flavorful things can be. But I try my hardest not to forget the simplicity, the labels, the laziness and the selfishness that I see every day, and that is just in my elementary classroom. I won't get started on Washington. Maybe all we need is a little straight talk, or maybe that's the problem. I just hope we aren't seven years too late.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go upstairs and masturbate.

Ahoy with an India'n,

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